Friday, April 11, 2003

i was trying to write in my other blog, but dice IM'ed me and i lost it all. i almost deleted the whole post.
well. i went out last night and got stupid drunk. i have been doing this more and more often. i think i need to scale it back some. i think i am hurting others and i have more to think of than myself. i am embarressed of my actions last night. i did nothing terrible wrong mind you. i just didn't do anything right either. i chose to saty out, and in doing so i put myself in a postion to not be able to drive. thankfully i had some people around that did not let me drive.

Wednesday, April 09, 2003

i was wondering if i should go back to story writing
i had a bunch more stuff to say but i seemed to have forgotten again. i'm glad i was able to say some things though. but i guess i'll find out in the future what the effects of my actions/words will be
where is this going? do you really love me? or am i just convienient? along time ago we met, and we began a relationhip. some where along the way we chose each other for comfort. we chose each other to be the first on the call list, last on the call list.
we started just "hanging out"
crap i had all this stuff in my head before i could log on.
now it is gone
you had him and i had me/her
we were just hangin out
we ejoyed the time spent together
we chose to spend more time togther
we took it slow
we told each other everything
did we tell too much?
are we still just hanging out?
do we have a future?
you mentioned one time that you fucked it up. do you still think that? did you choose me because your parents approved? did you choose me because you thought your parents would approve? did you choose me because your parents chose me?
do you still love him?
you mentioned that an ancient sand scrit word described sex with him. a word that described true bonding. yet you tell me that you do not think of him now? or try not to. if i had not been there would someone else have been? or would you be with him despite opinion?
you told me when we spoke for the first time that you where a professional heartbreaker,and i told you it didn't matter because my heart was already broken.
i wanted you to want me.
i wanted you to not want any other
did i want to prove that you could not break my heart?
you where easily tempted away, are you still so easily tempted?
where is this going?
you have never lied to me that i know of, yet i do not trust you.
or is my mistrust a way of guarding my heart?
we agreed that what happened before would stay before. i think i know why it can't let it be.
these were not before me, they where WHILE me.
and it makes me wonder. why them instead of me? why did she call them that night and not me? if i had answered my phone that night would things be differnt? i answered my phone or returned phone calls as quickly and as practical as possible. if i had made myself more available would things be differnent?
i was crushed to find out someone else was rushin to your side when you where sick. i wanted to be the galent hero with the bowl of soup and sud-a-fed.

[ took a walk around the world to
Ease my troubled mind
I left my body laying somewhere
In the sands of time
I watched the world float to the dark
Side of the moon
I feel there is nothing I can do, yeah
I watched the world float to the
Dark side of the moon
After all I knew it had to be something
To do with you
I really don’t mind what happens now and then
As long as you’ll be my friend at the end
If I’m alive and well, will you be
There holding my hand
I’ll keep you by my side with
My superman might
You called me strong, you called me weak,
But still your secrets I will keep
You took for granted all the times I
Never let you down
You stumbled in and BUMPED YOUR HEAD, if
Not for me then you would be dead
If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I’m alive and well, will you be
There holding my hand
I’ll keep you by my side with my
Superman might
If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I’m alive and well, will you be there
Holding my hand
I’ll keep you by my side with
My superhuman
we told each other an awful lot. but now i believe more than before, that what i don't know won't hurt me
i asked to read your journels, expecting a resonding no. but you said yes.
i asked to read your journels hoping to find passages about me. i only found a refernce or two. barely a mention of my name once, only in passing. was i a secret? too dark to mention even to the blank pages? little lone to your mind? but i also found page after page of others. some before, some after. i wish i had never read them. but now i am captivated. i still search for my name or an joyous event that i can say, "hey that's me!"
i remember knowing your arrival time at the airport, and not 15 mins after arrival my phone began to ring, and ring and ring. i remeber hearing you say how important i was to you. i remeber hearing your tears drop onto the phone. why can i not let this go? as you put it I won. but i didn't know it was a contest.
i may have just bitten off more than i can chew.............................................................................................................................
shopping list for some time in the future....
Tuna(do they sell those in 55 gal drums?)
bread(we always seem to run out of bread
Self-esteem(can you have enough of it?)

Tuesday, April 08, 2003

it sure got cold after the rain fell.........
well it looks like the we are in the final stages of the war. how long this will last who knows. i suspect this will go on for a few more days or weeks. i hope it ends soon, and that we don't end up mired in sniper fire in Baghdad.

and yeah, i know the channel is ALWAYS changed when i get home.