well crap i can't believe i have to get over it again. i thought i had suffiectly braced and reinforced my fragile heart. the image i have in my head is of a bloddy heart laying on a table or maybe hung on a wall, wrapped in metal strapping tape, wire and screws, all held up by a couple of 2 by 4's. the ends of the boards covered in blood, the sheen of the cold galvinized industrial metal glistening with coagulating life. strong and unyeilding. but in one fell swoop it was all ripped off, and thrown to the floor with our clothes. i don't know if that was the intended purpose or not. but i suddenely feel naked and vunerable and confused. of course mybe i brought this all upon myself. hopefully i can get passed this and move on. maybe i reading too much into this. maybe it was just sex. maybe it doesn't mean anything.

so i have begun the long arduous task of going thru my life agin. i do this from time to time. for some reason i tend to go thru the same stuff over and over. today i went through pictures. and i threw alot away. i threw away some from a forgotten trip to the woods. i don't where or when they were taken. so they got thrown out. i have so much paperwork from the military, and i have gone thru it from time to time, and everytime i find more papers that i thought were important at one time but now i find them completley useless and a waste of space. space. this is why i've begun this again. i have run out of space. i lost a room in my house to my bestfriend, now roomate, and i no longer have the space to store the scraps of my life. i'm workign to a point where i can load everything i own into the back of a truck and leave. some day i hope to start over. brand new life, brand new friends. brand new everything. and to do this i have to find the strength to let go of my past. from time to time i hate my past. i made chioces that i'm no longer happy i made.

but i guess you can't run from your past can ya?