cold and sunny

i wish it was raining today. actually i don't want it to rain, but i would like it if the weather matched my mood a liitle better. i just want it to be dark and dreary. i mean it's already cold, it ought to be cloudy as well. at least if it was cloudy i could curl up on the bed or couch or what ever and wallow in self pity. but how are you supposed to have a pity party when the sun is shining and birds are singing.
i miss the first time, the firt sight, the first kiss, that first tingle up my spine the excitement of the unknown, of atticipation. i miss my pants fitting funny.
i miss being excited in the morning. i miss not wondering where she is or who she's talking to.
today i want a big steak, the first cut and the juice spills out on the plate.
i don't want to wonder about her. i don't want to know what she's thinking, i don't want to know who she's talking to.
but she wont get out of my head.
everyday the hole grows larger and larger. everyday the hole gets harder to fill. i miss the days when there was no hole in my heart. i miss the days when i could fill the hole with a few shots of gentley warm bourben. the cool glass in my hand, and fire in my chest.
i miss birds singing. i miss walking on air.

AND GODDAMNIT I HURTING TOO