i was trying to write in my other blog, but dice IM'ed me and i lost it all. i almost deleted the whole post.

well. i went out last night and got stupid drunk. i have been doing this more and more often. i think i need to scale it back some. i think i am hurting others and i have more to think of than myself. i am embarressed of my actions last night. i did nothing terrible wrong mind you. i just didn't do anything right either. i chose to saty out, and in doing so i put myself in a postion to not be able to drive. thankfully i had some people around that did not let me drive.

i was wondering if i should go back to story writing

i had a bunch more stuff to say but i seemed to have forgotten again. i'm glad i was able to say some things though. but i guess i'll find out in the future what the effects of my actions/words will be

where is this going? do you really love me? or am i just convienient? along time ago we met, and we began a relationhip. some where along the way we chose each other for comfort. we chose each other to be the first on the call list, last on the call list.
we started just "hanging out"
crap i had all this stuff in my head before i could log on.
now it is gone
you had him and i had me/her
we were just hangin out
we ejoyed the time spent together
we chose to spend more time togther
we took it slow
we told each other everything
did we tell too much?
are we still just hanging out?
do we have a future?
you mentioned one time that you fucked it up. do you still think that? did you choose me because your parents approved? did you choose me because you thought your parents would approve? did you choose me because your parents chose me?
do you still love him?
you mentioned that an ancient sand scrit word described sex with him. a word that described true bonding. yet you tell me that you do not think of him now? or try not to. if i had not been there would someone else have been? or would you be with him despite opinion?
you told me when we spoke for the first time that you where a professional heartbreaker,and i told you it didn't matter because my heart was already broken.
i wanted you to want me.
i wanted you to not want any other
did i want to prove that you could not break my heart?
you where easily tempted away, are you still so easily tempted?
where is this going?
you have never lied to me that i know of, yet i do not trust you.
or is my mistrust a way of guarding my heart?
we agreed that what happened before would stay before. i think i know why it can't let it be.
these were not before me, they where WHILE me.
and it makes me wonder. why them instead of me? why did she call them that night and not me? if i had answered my phone that night would things be differnt? i answered my phone or returned phone calls as quickly and as practical as possible. if i had made myself more available would things be differnent?
i was crushed to find out someone else was rushin to your side when you where sick. i wanted to be the galent hero with the bowl of soup and sud-a-fed.

[ took a walk around the world to
Ease my troubled mind
I left my body laying somewhere
In the sands of time
I watched the world float to the dark
Side of the moon
I feel there is nothing I can do, yeah
I watched the world float to the
Dark side of the moon
After all I knew it had to be something
To do with you
I really don’t mind what happens now and then
As long as you’ll be my friend at the end
IF I GO CRAZY THEN WILL YOU STILL
CALL ME SUPERMAN
If I’m alive and well, will you be
There holding my hand
I’ll keep you by my side with
My superman might
Kryptonite
You called me strong, you called me weak,
But still your secrets I will keep
You took for granted all the times I
Never let you down
You stumbled in and BUMPED YOUR HEAD, if
Not for me then you would be dead
I PICKED YOU UP AND PLACED YOU BACK
ON SOLID GROUND
If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I’m alive and well, will you be
There holding my hand
I’ll keep you by my side with my
Superman might
Kryptonite
Yeah!!
If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I’m alive and well, will you be there
Holding my hand
I’ll keep you by my side with
My superhuman
Kryptonite]
we told each other an awful lot. but now i believe more than before, that what i don't know won't hurt me
i asked to read your journels, expecting a resonding no. but you said yes.
i asked to read your journels hoping to find passages about me. i only found a refernce or two. barely a mention of my name once, only in passing. was i a secret? too dark to mention even to the blank pages? little lone to your mind? but i also found page after page of others. some before, some after. i wish i had never read them. but now i am captivated. i still search for my name or an joyous event that i can say, "hey that's me!"
i remember knowing your arrival time at the airport, and not 15 mins after arrival my phone began to ring, and ring and ring. i remeber hearing you say how important i was to you. i remeber hearing your tears drop onto the phone. why can i not let this go? as you put it I won. but i didn't know it was a contest.
................................................................................................................................................................................................
i may have just bitten off more than i can chew.............................................................................................................................

shopping list for some time in the future....
Drain-o
Tuna(do they sell those in 55 gal drums?)
bread(we always seem to run out of bread
Self-esteem(can you have enough of it?)

it sure got cold after the rain fell.........
well it looks like the we are in the final stages of the war. how long this will last who knows. i suspect this will go on for a few more days or weeks. i hope it ends soon, and that we don't end up mired in sniper fire in Baghdad.

and yeah, i know the channel is ALWAYS changed when i get home.

so does anybody have any comments?

WAR, porn and coffee!
for some reason i am infatuated with the war. in the past few weeks i have cried, laughed and been bored outa my mind. i can't seem to turn it off. i have had this affliction with live news for some time now. i used to sleep with the TV on so i wouldn't miss anything. i remember being awakened by the world trade center bombing. i'm afraid that if i turn off the TV i'll miss something. Hell i was in heaven yesterday. Before anyone showed up i tuned all the televisions in the bar to different news stations. it was quite neat to see all teh differnt covarge of the same thing.

i have been hearing some small snipits of news that seems encouraging. i don't know what to make of them other than take them for what they are. i heard that some Iraqi prisioners where surprized to find out they were not going to be injected with poisen and killed. apparently they they had been told this be senior iraqi military.
a woman and small girl approached us military and asked if the US was really on there side. of course they said yes, the two then returned to where the came.

sidenote. while typing this and writing to others i have noticed that armed conflict and tragady termnioligy have alot of 'i's and 'o's. just a thought.

day whatever of the war. I have been getting some encouraging emails from my brother. he is safe and sound. i know that the further we push into iraq the safer he gets. also got a pic of him today out on patrol. pretty cool pic.

well we are in the fourth day of the war.
i'm getting tired of seeing protesting. i can't help but feeling that i should be there. i feel like i missed the last war, and i'm missing this one. alot of my peers are prior military, alot of them saw action in the gulf last time round. i have had several people ask me a question only to say well never mind you were there wern't you? and i have to say no. i am very proud of my military record. i am very proud of where and how i served. but i spent my entire time at home base. many of my counterparts had a involvment in operations, but i never got to go.
most genarations have a war of there time. i have had at least two. but just like the last war with Iraq i'm sitting on the sidelines.
i remember when we went to bosnia, i worked 14 hour days preparing equipment fore shipment. i didn't have to, but i wanted to. i also vollenteered to go, but i was not needed. so i got to sit on the sidelines. i got to paint alot of equipment. i got to make stencils, to mark vehicles as part of the peace force. but i wanted to go. i wanted to help. i guess i could be satisfied with the knowledge that i was needed were i was. and that i was an asset to the unit. it makes me laugh, when i was a memeber of the primary deployment team, i couldn't be deployed to the balkins because i was on the primary team and i was needed in case a real war happend. funny huh?
oh well..... i guess i 'll go back to watching bombs being dropped on bahgdad

Patrick and the Princess rode the evening train into the city. The sun was still peeking above the horizon, spewing golden streams of light thru the clouds and the city glistened from the afternoon rain. She had never been to the city before and Patrick was eager to show her the renowned City of lights. Fortunate for him the setting sun was the perfect start to the night, with its glow spread upon the worn and broken streets. Shades of gold and yellow in sharp contrast to the dark shadows that held the thoughts of the night captive in their grasp. This was the magical time of the day. Where day and night meet, shake hands, and trade our hopes for our dreams.
As they got closer to the depths of the city, He began to point out landmarks and visages of eras gone by. These things seemed of no interest to her, for she was here not to see the sights, but to find the dark underbelly of the city. She was there to find not the bright light of the city, but to find out where these lights came from. Who was the man who flipped the switch? Who was the woman behind the lights?
Arriving in the main train station they waited for the train to stop, and the doors to open. The rhythmic clack-clack of the train had dulled the senses, making her mind reel when she stepped on the platform. The sounds and smells came rushing to meet her, and almost overwhelmed her perception. This was her first time to experience this explosion of sensory overload. The smell of perfume and food mingled with diesel fumes and grease.

i remember soldiers sleeping next to me,riding on the metro.............
last night we went to paris. rode trains and i showed you the dark depths of the city. i remember dark wet streets, and soft rain. tunnenels and bridges. we were on tour, or had someplace to go. i showed you the original statue of liberty, and it was so small and negeleted.(maybe a subconscience take on liberty in europe)

drive by!!!! : *

once ther was a show on HBO about a guy who grew up being babysat by the TV. he ralated his whole life to TV. it was funny. someone would say something to him, and he would flash a scene from an old TV show. sometimes i think this happens to me. but not so narrow minded. sometimes bits and pieces of songs,movies and TV often come to mind. here recently it has been songs.

note to self. when getting a refill of coffee, take cup to coffee pot.

so i am sitting here watching 'Flatliners'. after working on two movies and witnessing two others, i can't help but think, man i bet that scene took forever to setup. the colors and lighting in this movie are incredible, alot of differnt colors and alot of changing color mid-scene. it must have taken all day to set up some of these shoots. another funny thing is i can look at amovie and have a pretty good idea of what lights were used. i'm still trying to figure out if particapating in the magic of movies has jaded me towards movies. i seem to only notice lighting when the movie bores me.......or i have seen it a few times.

blah,blah,blah,blah,blah,blah,blah.

well damn, i had this long post about the pleasure of napping and my computer burped when i posted. lost the whole thing